NSA Scandal: Make-Up Your Own Mind…by reading my opinion and agreeing with it.

Listen to Hobbes

I get it.  Your privacy has been invaded and Orwell’s worst nightmares are coming to fruition.  The government can read all your shit.  All your internet shit.  The country is divided into several parties on the issue.  Those who I am speaking to now–those in hysterics,  those who simply couldn’t give damn if they tried and those who see the invasions as necessary preemptive measures against terrorism. 

This is a rant, this is only a rant

The Internet is Awful

I don’t know where this picture came from, just did an image search for a Troll.  All credit goes to Mystery Person.

What have I become?  When did my life spiral so far into the toilet that I find myself trolling Yahoo! comment sections?  Is it pure boredom or something deeper?  Shit, I dont know.

The Quitters Dream Book—Entry 1

This asshole apparently haunts your dreams if you quit cigarettes

My freind recently quit smoking cigs and has been having some wild dreams.  We decided to record those dreams.  Below is a glimpse into the unconscious mind of a man quitting Cigs.  And later on, I will judge the mental stability of this man based on his dreams, my questions and my years of expertise as a dream reader.

Maybe a little much…my views on the phrase, “Nice guys finish last.”

For years I have heard men sputtering these four words with tails between legs and desperation oozing from their trout-lips.  But even as a self-proclaimed nice-guy who does not get enough poontang, I cannot find comfort in this nonsense.  I meet people exponentially more kind and genuine than myself on a daily basis.  Firefighters and paramedics, pediatricians and volunteers at the local animal shelter; every day I see and interact with kinder men than I could ever hope to be…and almost all of them have sexy girlfriends and don’t need to smoke pot to go to bed happy.

Intensity in Ten Cities

I haven’t written anything in a long time and I just feel like adding a little something to the online archive of nonsense.  Recently, I quit the soul crushing job that I had been secretly lamenting for years.  It was a bold move as I had no alternate employment lined up.  I was winging it and winging it hard.  Money?  Money was not taken into consideration during the making of this decision.  I would be broke and I have been broke before and I will be broke again, this does not bother me.  And, when I was in my boss’s office with the opportunity to turn my back on that shit-stained hellhole forever, by god, I had to seize that shit like a drug-dealers caddy. 

A Very Tremors Christmas Photo Shoot

The sexual tension was immediately noticeable when I walked in the door.  Before I had removed my jacket Coacoa had that lustful look in his eye and Dexter appeared ready to hump and/or murder the next object to make a sound.  I was ill-prepared for the canine orgy Kristy and Ashley had planned for the evening.  But I couldn’t think about such things that night.  I had two critical missions: watch Tremors 3 and take pictures for Kristy and Ashley’s Christmas card.  I may be a sloppy fuck, but I take my personal missions very seriously.

A Brief and Almost Incoherent Word on Happiness

I’ve heard that courage is not the absence of fear, rather the presence of fear and the decision to advance anyways.  I have always liked this quote for adding a level of humanity to some of the hero images that exist when the word ‘courage’ is uttered.  Rather than the maniac–who probably has PTSD up to his ear-lobes—jogging into a gun fight with a smile on his face, blasting guns like he was in a super-soaker fight, this little proverb ushers in an image of a normal guy who despite being scared to death, becomes a hero.  Just a fantastic little phrase is what I’m getting at.

Clifton “Fucking” Park, NY

How could they have known?  How could anyone have known?

When Spanish Conquistadors first drove the Asians from Upstate New York, they felt they had accomplished much for their people.  They believed that this new land of abundance would provide for their families for generations to come.  They believed the Great Spider had blessed this land (Now Clifton Park) and instilled within her soil tons and tons of shit to spur the growth of crops.  Little did those Spaniards know, crops would never be a problem…cops were the problem, or rather lack thereof.

See the town of Clifton Park was settled on an ancient Mayan prison complex.  The Mayans briefly left Mexico to see “what was good” with all the space to the North, upon arrival they decided that this cold and boring corner of the earth would be a perfect place to house the worst of the worst of the Mayan’s criminally insane.  Vida Sentimental Prison was established, filled and promptly abandoned when it was decided housing prisoners in New York was cruel and unusual punishment.

The Spanish, being notoriously poor listeners, had forgotten the stories of Vida Sentimental Prison from their High School days and built Clifton Park directly over the ruins, thus dooming the quiet little settlement to an existence forever marked by intense and unremitting crime.

For the years after it was established, the numerous governors and town leadership have pulled no punches in combating the curse.  In 1843 a State Trooper Barracks was built in the center of Clifton Park as a symbol of authority in an otherwise lawless land.

However the troopers soon found themselves overrun by vicious gangs (of stoned teenagers with Frisbees) and called in reinforcements.  Between 1850 and 1855 Clifton Park was under martial law.  National Guardsman came from across the country under the orders of Mr Lincoln himself, in order to quell the growing number of Speeding Tickets, Unlawful Possession of Marijuana tickets and worst of all, Loitering tickets.

With guns literally jammed in their faces, the trouble-makers fled Clifton Park for the frontiers of Half Moon, Malta and other surrounding territories, wild places and untainted by The Law.  For several years Clifton Park was the epitome of everything suburbia should be;  boring, mind-numbingly safe, wealthy and gloriously lame, but then Shenendehowa High School was built and everything just went straight to shit.

Education seemed like a good idea at the time (to pussy tree-hugging liberals) but soon the High School attracted more and more of the Country’s rebellious youth, eventually morphing into a hideous conglomeration of puberty and drugs.  With so many kids came so many problems.  Weed was on the rise again, and elderly drivers found it difficult to cause accidents with so many “damn kids zipping around.”  Parents who had long sent their spawn to college now had to deal with thousands of faces that reminded them of the hell they had just recently escaped.  There were now, more people in the town than cops, and everyone knows what happens when the ratio gets that fucked up.

Chaos and anarchy ensued.  Chain Restaurants came from around the globe to take advantage of the cheap youth labor and soon Clifton Park boasted every possible Franchised Eatery in the Western Hemisphere.  Parents attempted to bribe their children into cooperation by purchasing expensive cars for them to drive into ditches, but this only made things worse…for the ditches.

Now, we have lost all control.  Clifton Park might as well be Compton.  Kids are smoking cigs in the school parking lot, taking forever in the McDonalds drive-thru line, mowing the lawn half-assed, intimidating elderly folk by carrying out loud conversations and showing no respect for the 4 layers of law enforcement currently patrolling the town.

Sure, we have troopers, sheriffs, town security and campus security but is that really enough?  When was the last time you got a seat-belt ticket?  If it was more than a week ago, you get my point, shits out of control.  Half of the layers aren’t even permitted to kill a man or given the tools necessary to do so!  Which is why I am proposing a fifth layer of protection against the evils of my hometown…Double Secret Security Warriors.

This group of highly trained, mentally disturbed hard-asses will patrol the streets in vehicles designed by the same people who produced Road Warrior.  They will wear black leather and answer directly to Dick Cheney.  With the potential for a fatal beating in response to even the slightest of offences, the law abiding citizens of Clifton park will be able to rest easy, while speeders, smokers, loiterers, seat-belt rebels and other low lifes will be once again driven from these lands to the decaying forests of Halfmoon, Stillwater and Waterford.

Every stat, date and historical comment I made in this was entirely accurate.  Nothing was made up or exaggerated.

Green Grass

Why must the grass look so green and healthy on the other side of the fence?  I have spent the majority of my short life on the side opposite my current position.  I can remember standing where my gaze is directed now, staring back at where I currently stand, bitching about the condition of my grass.  I would look at my feet and say, “This grass is bullshit.  Gimme some of that green, green grass on the other side of the fence there.”