The Internet is Awful

2 Feb

I don’t know where this picture came from, just did an image search for a Troll.  All credit goes to Mystery Person.

What have I become?  When did my life spiral so far into the toilet that I find myself trolling Yahoo! comment sections?  Is it pure boredom or something deeper?  Shit, I dont know.  But I can say with a twinkle in my eye and a skip in my step that I thoroughly enjoy it.  See Yahoo! comment sections are dominated by four types of people: People like myself–liberal-minded trolls writing gibberish in the hopes of pissing off the conservative minded, legitimate hardcore conservatives, Conservative trolls writing gibberish in the hopes of pissing off the liberal-minded and, extremely rarely, an educated Liberal spewing a bunch of shit no one has the time to read.   I believe the standard-breed Conservative is the majority.  While this past-time is certainly nothing to take pride in, the shame can’t take away from the satisfaction one feels when an anonymous stranger who just posted the most racist thing you’ve ever read gets shitty-pants mad over a comment like, “I want to fart in your cereal.”

The key to finding a good forum to unleash your anonymous fury is picking an article about either guns, Obama or minorities.  These subjects will draw passionate Limbaugh fans like I don’t draw beautiful, intelligent women–which is to say, effectively.  Next, you must disconnect yourself from reality, completely.  The things you will read and the comments that will be made about you can sometimes be enough to rattle the soul.  I’ve been called many horrible things in my days trolling these comments.  Most recently I was called a “pussy lib dip.”  What does this mean?  No one knows, but it hurt my feelings, especially since all I had said in my comment was, “Joe Biden can bench press 400lbs.”

There are also going to be times when you might be tempted to lay-out a well though out argument, detailing exactly why you think you are correct and why you believe the other person is fucking dead wrong.  You can cite your sources using MLA format and it won’t mean a goddamn thing to anyone in the comment section.  So don’t do it.  Don’t put together logical arguments using facts and accepted theories, it will only frustrate you and your frustration will be picked up by your opponents who thrive on such emotion.  Stick to shallow insults and hilarious exaggerations, not only will you have a better time, but it will actually be a far more productive strategy.  See, these people tend to be humorless slobs, incapable of formulating their own jokes and completely defenseless against even the slightest hint of wit.  Throw some pop-culture references their way, call them Cock-Gobblers (you will be called homophobic, but don’t fret because you’re probably not); so long as you’re having fun, they are losing.  As soon as the whole deal turns to a serious discussion, you are doomed.   If the serious discussion happens despite your best efforts and  you must use logic and reason in your Trolling then do so in moderation and water down the facts with poop jokes, and don’t be afraid to change the subject entirely to say, Congressional Penis sizes’…That always throws the conservative troll for a loop.

Is this worth my time?  Is writing about something that might, itself, not be worth my time be a waste of time?  I think so.


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