Clifton “Fucking” Park, NY

19 Nov

How could they have known?  How could anyone have known?

When Spanish Conquistadors first drove the Asians from Upstate New York, they felt they had accomplished much for their people.  They believed that this new land of abundance would provide for their families for generations to come.  They believed the Great Spider had blessed this land (Now Clifton Park) and instilled within her soil tons and tons of shit to spur the growth of crops.  Little did those Spaniards know, crops would never be a problem…cops were the problem, or rather lack thereof.

See the town of Clifton Park was settled on an ancient Mayan prison complex.  The Mayans briefly left Mexico to see “what was good” with all the space to the North, upon arrival they decided that this cold and boring corner of the earth would be a perfect place to house the worst of the worst of the Mayan’s criminally insane.  Vida Sentimental Prison was established, filled and promptly abandoned when it was decided housing prisoners in New York was cruel and unusual punishment.

The Spanish, being notoriously poor listeners, had forgotten the stories of Vida Sentimental Prison from their High School days and built Clifton Park directly over the ruins, thus dooming the quiet little settlement to an existence forever marked by intense and unremitting crime.

For the years after it was established, the numerous governors and town leadership have pulled no punches in combating the curse.  In 1843 a State Trooper Barracks was built in the center of Clifton Park as a symbol of authority in an otherwise lawless land.

However the troopers soon found themselves overrun by vicious gangs (of stoned teenagers with Frisbees) and called in reinforcements.  Between 1850 and 1855 Clifton Park was under martial law.  National Guardsman came from across the country under the orders of Mr Lincoln himself, in order to quell the growing number of Speeding Tickets, Unlawful Possession of Marijuana tickets and worst of all, Loitering tickets.

With guns literally jammed in their faces, the trouble-makers fled Clifton Park for the frontiers of Half Moon, Malta and other surrounding territories, wild places and untainted by The Law.  For several years Clifton Park was the epitome of everything suburbia should be;  boring, mind-numbingly safe, wealthy and gloriously lame, but then Shenendehowa High School was built and everything just went straight to shit.

Education seemed like a good idea at the time (to pussy tree-hugging liberals) but soon the High School attracted more and more of the Country’s rebellious youth, eventually morphing into a hideous conglomeration of puberty and drugs.  With so many kids came so many problems.  Weed was on the rise again, and elderly drivers found it difficult to cause accidents with so many “damn kids zipping around.”  Parents who had long sent their spawn to college now had to deal with thousands of faces that reminded them of the hell they had just recently escaped.  There were now, more people in the town than cops, and everyone knows what happens when the ratio gets that fucked up.

Chaos and anarchy ensued.  Chain Restaurants came from around the globe to take advantage of the cheap youth labor and soon Clifton Park boasted every possible Franchised Eatery in the Western Hemisphere.  Parents attempted to bribe their children into cooperation by purchasing expensive cars for them to drive into ditches, but this only made things worse…for the ditches.

Now, we have lost all control.  Clifton Park might as well be Compton.  Kids are smoking cigs in the school parking lot, taking forever in the McDonalds drive-thru line, mowing the lawn half-assed, intimidating elderly folk by carrying out loud conversations and showing no respect for the 4 layers of law enforcement currently patrolling the town.

Sure, we have troopers, sheriffs, town security and campus security but is that really enough?  When was the last time you got a seat-belt ticket?  If it was more than a week ago, you get my point, shits out of control.  Half of the layers aren’t even permitted to kill a man or given the tools necessary to do so!  Which is why I am proposing a fifth layer of protection against the evils of my hometown…Double Secret Security Warriors.

This group of highly trained, mentally disturbed hard-asses will patrol the streets in vehicles designed by the same people who produced Road Warrior.  They will wear black leather and answer directly to Dick Cheney.  With the potential for a fatal beating in response to even the slightest of offences, the law abiding citizens of Clifton park will be able to rest easy, while speeders, smokers, loiterers, seat-belt rebels and other low lifes will be once again driven from these lands to the decaying forests of Halfmoon, Stillwater and Waterford.

Every stat, date and historical comment I made in this was entirely accurate.  Nothing was made up or exaggerated.

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