A Very Tremors Christmas Photo Shoot

2 Dec

The sexual tension was immediately noticeable when I walked in the door.  Before I had removed my jacket Coacoa had that lustful look in his eye and Dexter appeared ready to hump and/or murder the next object to make a sound.  I was ill-prepared for the canine orgy Kristy and Ashley had planned for the evening.  But I couldn’t think about such things that night.  I had two critical missions: watch Tremors 3 and take pictures for Kristy and Ashley’s Christmas card.  I may be a sloppy fuck, but I take my personal missions very seriously.

I fought through the persistent pick-up attempts Coacoa was laying on me and focused on my beer, the movie and the task that lay before me.  I had never been a professional photographer and a Christmas card is an incredibly pressure-ridden first assignment.  Coacoa was putting me off my game, with his seductive yelps and baleful eyes,  Ashley was squatting in the corner of the room, perfecting her ‘warrior stance” and Kristy remained elbow deep in a bag of pretzel M&M’s.  The situation was deteriorating and I had to act quick.

Summoning all my leadership capabilities, I assembled the troops in front of their spectacular Christmas tree and started making preparations for the shoot.  Tremors 3 had pumped us all for of Christmas Spirit, and we were foaming from the mouth with artistic juices.  If one takes anything from Tremors 3, it is a deep respect for the art-form that is the Cinema.  It reminds a person to appreciate the beautiful, simple things in life…before they morph into flying squids with firy assholes (don’t ask questions, just watch the movie).

Anyways, we were enthusiastic and packed to the ear lobes with the desire to create a masterpiece.  Kristy and Ashley assembled items of intense personal significance and placed the totems on an ottoman that stood before their throwns, which in turn, stood before the Tree.   Together, the girls assembled: a fake potted plant, the dvd case for the Tremors Series, a ceramic squirrel named Elvis, Febreeze and a small meth lab.  Just kidding about the meth lab…maybe.

I snapped off several pictures and began thinking about starting up a Facebook photography business, and taking pictures of girls so I can post them on my profile page for absolutely no profit for anyone involved.  I never found anything creepy about this happening and I realized I had a natural talent for amateurish photography.  The dogs humped and barked their way through the evening, doing what a dog must to cope with the pressures brought upon by an amazing cinematic experience and the photo shoot of a lifetime.  One photo of Ashley accosting her dog with a look only a serial killer could truly appreciate, is being used for a Lams dog-food commercial.

The girls paid me handsomely for my services in tacos and dip and I left the job-site content and filled with hope for a new future.  I had two new love interests in Coacoa and Dexter and a new career opportunity in taking blurry pictures for friends’ Christmas cards.  If you would like to see my work I suggest you leave a comment and I will send a copy of my portfolio–a.k.a two pictures of Kristy and Ashley alongside hundreds of self-portraits, zoning out to public access television.


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