Bored at lunch-Proverbs

24 Mar

I had some time during lunch and I haven’t posted anything in a month of Mondays so here’s some fresh nonsense for you to not know exists.  I also take a decidedly negative take on these for some reason. I blame the winter.

“You have to learn to crawl before you learn to walk”–  This is horse shit.  First off, I don’t have to do anything.  Unlike most posers, I’m not bound by society’s–or even physics’–rules.  Secondly, what if I was born without arms?  Shall I just give up on all locomotion altogether since I will never know what it is to crawl?  Can I inch-worm before I walk? Roll? Scoot?  This phrase is as fascist as it is wrong.

“You only live once”- So try to make that life as short as possible?  Technically, I suppose this phrase may be true (according to a few religions and in direct opposition of a few religions) but the insinuated message usually attached to this phrase is to live without fear and if an opportunity arises that may be more dangerous than rewarding, you should take that opportunity anyways…because fucking YOLO.  But if you only live once, should you not cherish it?  Take care of it ant try to extend its existence in this universe as long as possible?  To laugh at those who need to risk losing It in order to appreciate It?

“Two wrongs don’t make a right”-  Right off the bat I’ll give you this scenario;  Tim Wrong and Kelly Simpson meet in college at a frat party.  Tim likes Kelly because she’s breathing and seems not to mind looking at him.  Kelly liked Tim because he was drunk.  They end up getting married.  They are now Tim and Kelly Wrong.  Both being rather dumb and fans of acting without thought, they quickly and frantically conceive a child.  The child ends up being a brilliant and philanthropically inclined billionaire who, as his triumphs in life mount, changes his last name to Right in protest of his stupid father.  Two wrongs just made a right.   I don’t think that was a stretch at all.

“Fortune favors the bold”- I could list thousands of bold decisions that lead to either death, poverty, runny diarrhea or a truly stunning medley of all three. “Fortune occasionally takes pity on the bold,” seems more accurate to me.

“No man is an island”- Says you.

“Never look a gift horse in the mouth”- ‘Gift horse’ is an old timey way of saying Sabre Tooth Tiger….if I’m not mistaken.  Which would actually make this the one proverb that makes a little sense.  But, I looked it up the meaning behind this gem and it actually means don’t ask questions to someone offering you a gift.  How fucked is that?  I ask questions to anyone giving me anything.  Whether it be a gift or a handjob or a quick jab to the gullet, you better believe I’m asking why I’m receiving it, I’m asking for the credit score of the person giving it and I’m asking a series of riddles to ensure they’re wise enough to give me anything.

“If it ain’t broke don’t fix it”- Preventative maintenance, bro-slice! You’re on the fast track to a fiery car wreck with that attitude.  And even not taken so literally, shake shit up once in awhile, raise your standards; maybe decide not to settle on anything that is less than “works well.”  “Not broke,” still leaves tons of room for it to be shitty.  Don’t let shitty be your watermark.  Does ‘shitty watermark’ sound like a pleasant combination of words?  Of course not, do the right thing.

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