Tremors: The Greatest Movie Series Everyone Has Either Never Heard Of Or Thinks Is Dumb as Shit .

27 Nov

Listen, I don’t throw words like “boner-inducing” and “the fucking best” around all willy-nilly-like.  I take the garbage that I spew forth from my talk-hole very serious.  My word is my bond, my word is my James Bond.  So when I tell you that each and every single movie in the Tremors series will make your dick hard (you too, ladies) and will literally be the beacon of light in your life that you have always longed for, you should probably believe me.  Or don’t…and see what happens to you.  That wasn’t a threat, nothing at all may happen to you…we’ll just have to see.
The first installment of Tremors takes place in Paradise, Nevada where Kevin Bacon and some scruffy other dude work as handy-men to the ten people inhabiting the collection of desert shanties.  Soon, and for no reason at all, they begin to realize people are being chased up poles and sucked down holes and all sorts of horrible shit related to something in the ground.  Through several expertly directed scenes we soon learn the squirming hell-spawn of satan are capable of digging out cars, eating a heard of goats as well as sensing all vibration above ground.  Meanwhile,  Bacon and his friend are vibrating like crazy all over the desert and soon become the targets of the animal’s rage. 

Naturally, they instantly murder the shit out of one of the monsters and discover that it is, in fact, a giant, meaty penis with eel tongues, a three-pronged squid beak and tiny horns covering its body.  The image I am describing may not sound like the most fulfilling monster ever seen on the silver screen but I assure you, besides Jurassic Park, and considering my distaste for CGI, you just can’t do much better than a Graboid.  It’s rubbery goodness resembles an actual living creature ten-thousand times better than CGI ever could (and by “ever” I mean up until now, that I’m aware of after doing zero research).  Bottom line, the thing is as badass, as it is phallic.

A graboid, and the good people who made him possible. Fuck computers.

All the townspeople gather in Paradise’s general store to discuss what to do with the remaining three Graboids, as they came to be called.  The crazy, redneck couple in the town retire to their armed fortress to take a stand there while the rest of the town attempts to scheme a way out.  Eventually, and after several people get slurped into the ground like land-noodles, the surviving townspeople–being led, obviously, by Sir Bacon–hop into a bulldozer and head for the hills.  There are a couple of hick-ups but they end up killing all the graboids and everyone is stoked.
That is until…

Tremors 2!!!

Somewhere in Mexico the Graboids are at it again.  Popping up out of the ground and gobbling up mexican oil workers, for no fucking reason.  Nothing to do but call on the only two people to have ever dealt with such a problem:  Kevin Bacon and his Forgettable co-star.  Unfortunately Kevin Bacon’s career must have taken off before Tremors 2 was proposed and was unavailable to do the shoot, luckily, his co-star (who will remain nameless) wasn’t doing shit.  Nameless Costar travels to Mexico with a new, hilariously youthful sidekick to take on the animals once more, this time with a stockpile of guns and bombs and remote control race-cars.

Things start well for the nameless actor as they blow up the worms by strapping explosives to remote control cars and “fishing for graboids.”  But soon he discovers that the giant penises are actually only the first stage int he animals life cycle.  Apparently they were dealing with the monster equivalent of maggots.  Which is actually pretty terrifying.  Anyhoo, the giant man eating maggots breach themselves above ground and split in half releasing a tiny raptor looking devil with a heat-sensing bulb instead of eyes and ears.  All kinds of shenanigans ensue trying to avoid the heat sensitive glare of the raptor-graboids until, eventually, every single one of the horrible monsters are blown up in a garage. The nameless actor gets the girl and every lives happily ever after…

The flap on top of the head opens, revealing its seductive bulb.

That is until…

Tremors 3!!

I was black out drunk when I watched this.  I dont know why anyone was in the desert again but I do know the raptors learned to fly in this installment.  The use of poor, poor CGI was introduced and my boner became flaccid for the first time since I turned on my DVD player.
That was until…

Tremors 4!!

Actually still drunk for this, but they were in Old Western times.  The raptors and flying raptors were nowhere to be found and I thanked L. Ron Hubbard for this.  I literally cant remember anything else about 3 or 4 besides that they were life-changing and need to be viewed by everyone.

I think this picture says more to promote Tremors 4 than I ever could.


One Response to “Tremors: The Greatest Movie Series Everyone Has Either Never Heard Of Or Thinks Is Dumb as Shit .”

  1. skycastles November 28, 2012 at 11:48 pm #

    Didn’t realize there were more than two Tremors flicks. You’ve changed my life forever.

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