Namibian Blood Koala

20 Nov

He was a low ranking member of the Blood Koalas. You can tell because of the lack of tattoos.

It’s no secret I believe in Bigfoot, Sasquatch and any other name for large ape-like creatures roaming the World.  I love the things.  I have personally witnessed the beast toss a small tree over my head and onto the trail before me.  I kept my calm and sprinted, arms in the air, screaming like a banshee back to my car.  That said, I don’t think I necessarily have a positive bias towards believing in every strange occurrence I read about on the internet.  No, sir, I am skeptical and scientific.  I think using my brain, and pump blood with my heart…or some shit like that.  Bottom line is, it’s through my unbiased and completely logic-based reasoning that leads me to believe that this is the single greatest scientific discovery in the history of Namibia.

The link below (which I don’t even know will work on this website) contains images and a brief account of a new and terrifying beast shot and killed in Namibia.  Right off the bat, I know what you’re thinking; who put the rabbit head on the koala bear.  I know because I asked myself the same question.  But look into those soulful eyes and tell me that thing didn’t, at one point, crawl from hut to hut sucking the will to live out of the nostrils of unconscious villagers.  You can’t do it, because clearly that’s what this thing did.  This isn’t Fox News though, and I have no intention of inciting mass panic and fear, although it would be well deserved.  I’m certainly not suggesting we pray for the apocalypse if only to spare us the agonizing doom this creature will no doubt bring upon us all.  No, we must remain calm and level headed, as I did when faced with the Squatch.  We have outsmarted this blood thirsty African Koala for thousands of years, to the point where they have resigned to living in small lairs in high-crime jungles.

So, what do we do?  We can’t just allow this thing to propagate and spread, that’s for goddamn sure.  If my theory on evolution is correct–and Im almost positive it is–this could, in fact, be the next species of intelligent biped to dominate Earth.  DONT PANIC.  I say this may be our heir apparent because it is my firm belief that we will shrink in size as we evolve until eventually we resemble Eewoks.  This will be due to over population and the fact that our brains are shrinking generation by generation.  The African Blood Koala could be what has become of a tribe of people who, through sheer isolation, have evolved far more rapidly than the rest of us.  They could also be huge rabbits with mange…Only L. Ron Hubbard knows for sure.  I believe our replacement is being designed and perfected in a dense jungle lair right under our noses, as we continue our journey down the path of self-eradication.  Heavy, heavy stuff, I know.

We’re calm though, and we still have a couple brain-cells on this floppy-eared biotch.  That is why it is critical that I be sent to Namibia to make first (live) contact.  I have written to both the governments of Namibia as well as America and have been thoroughly ignored (no politician wants to do shit after election day) so it will be up to you–my thirteen readers–to send me to Namibia where I can speak to the leaders of the Blood Koalas and explain to them that they must all be killed so humans can live.  Through my linguistic chewiness, I feel I can accomplish this peacefully and efficiently.

We mustn’t ever allow ourselves to become victims.


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