Foreign Policy

19 Nov

(Two turkey-vultures debating the the current crisis in the Mole population)

Terry the Turkey Vulture- Well, for one, they eat dirt

Tully the Turkey Vulture- No, they live in dirt, they don’t eat the dirt.

Terry- How can a population thrive when it both eats and lives in dirt, that’s like having your cake and living in it too.

Tully- profound

Terry- I sense your sarcasm and I resent it.  Anyways, I was thinking, because they eat, live-in, and have sex with clods of dirt, perhaps we should relocate them all to a parking-lot, quit the stuff cold turkey.

Tully-You want to put millions of Moles in a parking lot?


Tully-  They will all die, almost immediately.

Terry-The first Generation, maybe, but the mole puppies will grow up to love it.

Tully- A.)You may the dumbest  son-of-a-female-Turkey-Vulture I have ever had the misfortune of meeting, B.)  I think you want them in a parking lot so you can pick’em off easier.

Terry- Thats some shit, Tully.  The Moles live horrible, dark lives, they eat and fuck dirt….

(Interrupting)Tully- They don’t fucking eat or have sex with dirt!

Terry-Regardless, I have their best interests in mind, you’re just a cynical vulture.

Tully- Call me what you will, but I don’t think a semi-retarded turkey-vulture knows whats best for an entire species…a species we occasionally feed on.

Terry- Pshh, maybe you feed on’em, Im a hardcore Vegan.

Tully- You ate at least a dozen baby rabbits yesterday, I remember because you were braggin’ all morning about how many baby rabbits you were gonna eat for lunch.

Terry- Baby rabbits aren’t moles, Tully.  I’m surprised you didn’t know that.

Tully- I know the difference between rabbits and moles Terry, you asshole.

Terry- Woah, calm down buddy, we’re on the same side, we’re both just tryin to eat some sweet Mole.

Tully-  Eat what?


Tully- How’re we going to catch these moles, they live underground.

Terry-  Easy, we tell’em theyll be safer on a parking lot.

Tully- Aha!  You dumb bastard.

Terry-  What? I didn’t say anything about relocating baby rabbits onto parking-lots, I’m not as sick as Turkey Vultures like you make everyone believe.

Tully-  Again,  I have no idea what you’re talking about and evidently you’ve completely forgotten about the origins of this conversation…

Terry- Something about dirt?

(The two turkey vultures sit quietly on their branch going over the heated discussion in their tiny brains)

Terry- Ya know, we should do something to help Field Mice too.

Tully-  Yeah, like move’m onto the parkinglot with the Moles.

Terry-  How will that help them?


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